10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear

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There’s a blog post that’s recently gone viral, written by a divorced man featuring some really sound advice about marriage (click here to read it).  I really have to applaud this guy.  It takes guts to stand up and be transparent about your failures.  It’s equally as commendable to stand up and say how you’d do things differently.

One thing that his post is lacking, however, is the female perspective.  After reading his post, I wanted to take some time and write down some things that I’ve learned in the last ten years.  You see – I’m now in my third marriage.  When people learn this fact about me, their reaction is usually pretty awkward.  It’s almost as if they’re waiting for me to be embarrassed by my admission. While going through two divorces was some of the most painful times of my life, I’d only feel ashamed if I’d gone through it without being able to say I’ve learned a thing or two.  My husband and I had both been through divorce before we married each other, and with that brings a unique perspective into many do’s and don’ts of how to treat your spouse. Don’t get me wrong – our marriage isn’t perfect, but our failures in past relationships have shaped decisions we make about the way we treat each other, and to be honest, I’m glad I went through it.  We’ve learned better, so now we do better.

And with that, I’d like to offer up my version of his wise marriage tips – from a woman who has triumphed the murky waters of divorce (and if you’re interested, my husband also wrote one from his perspective).

  1. Respect your husband.  - Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife.  The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our husbands to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your husband is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the man that YOU have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, and to lead your family and he needs to be respected for that quality alone. Take it from me – when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences WITH RESPECT. It makes all the difference in the world to him.
  2. Guard your heart.  - The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people that will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and BE THANKFUL. I get that we all have struggles, and there are even times when I would love 1,000 more square feet of house to live in, but square feet is not fulfilling – relationships are. Guard your heart from things and people that will try to convince you that your life or your husband is not good enough.  There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier – but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.
  3. God, husband, kids…in that order.  - I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive  (in which case, I urge you to seek help beyond what my blog can give you), no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means. When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Take it from me – I tried. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts.
  4. Forgive.  - No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit – for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the wet towel on the bathroom counter ;)) – you will keep resentment from growing.
  5. Over-communicate.  - I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings. I played the standard “You should know why I’m mad” game, and that’s just downright unfair. Men are not wired like women, and they DON’T always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel.
  6. Schedule a regular date night.  - This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse.  Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids. Frankie and I often daydream about our future, or plan our dream vacation. We connect emotionally and often learn something new about each other – even after four years.
  7. Never say the “D Word”.  - If you’re gonna say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair. I did this a lot in my previous marriages. I’m not proud of it, but I learned better. I was hurting deeply, and I wanted to hurt back, but it never helped me feel better.
  8. Learn his love language.  - Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and USE IT.  Edited to add: If you are unfamiliar with the principles behind love languages, you can learn more about it here.
  9. Never talk negatively about him.  - I learned this lesson the hard way too. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor. Family counseling is a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. The argument they are hearing is one-sided and they often build up negative feelings toward your spouse, which usually doesn’t subside once you and your husband have gotten past it. Protect his image with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective.  News flash, ladies – your mother cannot be objective!
  10. Choose to love.  - There are times in a marriage that you may wake up and not feel in love anymore. Choose to love anyway. There are times when you may not be attracted to your husband anymore. Choose to love anyway. Marriage is a commitment. In sickness and health, in good times and in bad. Those vows are sacred. They don’t say “if you have bad times”. They say “in good times AND in bad”, implying that there WILL be bad times. It’s inevitable. So choose to love anyway. He’s worth it.

Read 7 Keys to a Happy Wife written by my husband

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1,109 thoughts on “10 Marriage Tips Every WIFE Needs to Hear

  1. I am not a married girl, but I definitely learned some things by reading this! I hope to have a happy, long lasting marriage one day! I will keep this advice for when my time comes!

  2. At first I was a little concerned about taking advice from a divorced woman, but I decided not to judge and read on. I am so glad I did!! Thank you for this advice. My husband and I are going on 2 years of marriage and I have made almost all of those mistakes… i am not happy to admit that, but now I can work on bettering our relationship!! Im so glad I stumbled across this!! Thank you for being brave and sharing with us!!! ♡♡

  3. My boyfriend and I never need to schedule a date night. We are always spending time together, it comes naturally so no need to schedule. We are both Atheists so we don’t put god first.

  4. I LOVED LOVED LOVED your article. Me and my husband have been married for a solid 8 months now and we have received a lot of advice in the form of emails, articles, blog posts and even a good ol sittin down and talking to. I have appreciated it all but for the majority of blogs and articles I see on Facebook and such, I tend to roll my eyes. I think a lot of the advice is shallow and not important but this blog was different. My husband and I have been extremely blessed within our first year of marriage. I am beyond thankful but I know it won’t always be this way. It is nice to know I can come back to a post like this and re-read the things I will probably will forget. Thank you for posting this!

  5. Having gone through 2 divorces as well, this really brings a lot of things in perspective for me. I love it!!!!

  6. I’m not sure if someone else mentioned it here, but the man who wrote the original blog post actually did write one for the female perspective after the overwhelming support he received for his first one. Both of his and your post contain great marriage advice.

  7. Great message…and way to go having the courage to share your thoughts and past with everyone! Ignore the rude comments, know that there are those that appreciate it :)

    • That’s a tough question – and only one you can answer. My first two marriages ended in divorce, but it wasn’t my choice. When my second husband left, I prayed and believed for a miracle. While in that waiting period, I did a lot of soul searching, and God really used that time in my life to change some things about myself that really needed changing (and healing). After a while, and after much more prayer, I felt a peace about letting him go. But again – it wasn’t my choice. He left and no longer wanted to be married. Could God have redeemed that? Absolutely – but only with the participation of my husband. But I needed to know in my heart of hearts that it was ok to let go. Had I not felt that peace, I would have continued to pray and believe for my miracle. Incidentally – I did get my miracle. God blessed me with my current (and forever) husband. It certainly didn’t work out the way I expected, but I am so incredibly thankful that He knew better than I did.

      • Thank you for this post and thank you for being willing to admit that your divorces weren’t your choice. I am divorced and I have said the same thing. I fought for my marriage, fought hard. One potential beau told me how “brave it was to say that because it implies that there is something seriously wrong with me.” I was astounded. Doesn’t that really say that you didn’t stop trying? Doesn’t it also say that you value the institution of marriage, believe the doctrine of God that says marriage is sacred, and simply that you were capable of loving an imperfect man?
        I have concluded that he expressed the view of what the world assumes. We are not naive, we are humble in that we understand that while no one is perfect, God can make us good enough.
        ❤️<3

    • The truth is almost any relationship at any point could be made to “work”. The Scriptures believed, submitted to, and followed are trustworthy. The problem is most people think they’re “smarter” and want things their own way-usually a selfish way. Joey, from experience, when it gets to the place where you know in your heart (save a miracle) she’s not gonna change and the choice is between staying married and self-respect, it’s time to think hard. Sorry bro.

  8. Great blog. I do wish your husband would have listed respect your wife first in his list of 7. My husband and I have been married for 2 weeks short of 32 years and MUTUAL respect is the predominate theme. Maybe the separate from Mommy is for a younger (than our) generation. Thanks for your blog!

    • I don’t think he wrote it in order of importance, but I can assure you that we put “respect” as a priority in our marriage. I am in full agreement with you on that one!!!

    • Wives are called to respect their husband while husbands are called to love their wives. Colassians 3- something I am trying to learn as a wife

  9. Great tips except the last one. You cannot preach marriage be a commitment and then be married three times? Just saying.

    • On the contrary. I am more equipped to share where I’ve gone wrong because of my mistakes. I did not quit those marriages – they did. But I was not without fault, and having experienced divorce firsthand, I have a unique opportunity to share about how I’d do it differently.

      • I need to add my two cents worth here. If a person has never gone through a divorce they don’t get it. (I did choose to love my spouse. It wasn’t enough for my ex as he was having an affair. Yes, he thought the grass was greener on the other side. By the way, his marriage to the woman he left me for, ended in divorce. She left him.) As a Christian woman Karla I did my best to hang on to a 25 year marriage. My ex wanted out. You can not force a person to stay. I shed many tears, I prayed many prayers. It wasn’t until I heard a speaker on a Christian radio show late one Sunday evening while crying my eyes out yet again, say, if the spouse wants to leave let them go. God gives us choices. When I finally let go and gave it all to God, I received my Peace.

    • Sorry, I have to cut in here. You “just saying” she can’t talk about commitment because this isn’t her first marriage, is an unfair statement. Her former marriages do not negate the validity of her words, in fact Karen is more acutely aware of what happens when the commitment isn’t in the relationship than someone who has never had a marriage drift apart, the same way someone who has been badly burned is more aware of the consequences of playing with fire. We know we should be careful with fire, and we all know we should be committed in our relationships, but being wounded provides an even more intense adherence to these guidelines. So in actuality, she’s more of a reliable resource BECAUSE she’s been married before and she knows what caused them to fail.
      Thanks for your honesty Karen! I appreciate your advice!

    • That is not a fair statement. I have been married 3 times as well, divorced twice. My first husband and I were married when I was 18 years old, he was unfaithful a grand total of 7 times in 5 years, yes I left. My second husband was physically abusive, yes I left. My 3rd husband is a youth pastor and is an amazing man. Do my past relationships dictate that I can’t emphasize commitment in my marriage, or encourage my good friend who is going through a rough patch in her marriage to stick to her commitment? I think not. God has an amazing ability to take the pasts that we have messed up beyond recognition and use them to ensure a great future that glorifies Him and teaches us to use His principles to ensure we don’t make the same mistakes again.

  10. Thank you so very very very much, my husband and I are going threw a divorce. he is and always will be loved by me and be my friend. I have placed it all in gods hands. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. GOD WILL FIX US I JUST KNOW IT

    • Drake, how about just open up your heart and receive the advice anyway. It really is good to know, despite the shortcomings. We aren’t all perfect. :)

    • It’s always interesting to me how humans only want to accept advice from people who don’t make mistakes or who is not perfect. Unfortunately for them there are no perfect humans. You have to be wise enough to know when you hear something good regardless of what you THINK the messenger should be. If not then you should not expect to hear anything from God because alll he uses is broken imperfect people. Not listening to great advice about marriage because the person bringing the message has been divorced is like saying I’m not going to listen to the Apostle Paul about living as a Christian because he used to kill Christians. We are destroyed for a lack of knowledge. Further more, if you didn’t have anything positive to say then what’s your point of commenting anyway? If you don’t agree then just ignore. Anyway GREAT BLOG KAREN. I enjoyed it. Be encouraged.

  11. Pingback: The Worst Advice I Ever Gave My Best Friend – Huffington Post | How To Save My Marriage From Divorce

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