Category Archive

I can’t sleep.  It’s the last hour of the last day of an unbelievably eventful month, to say the least.  A little over a year ago, when I found my marriage abruptly ending, putting one foot in front of the other was labor intensive.  It was a new version of my life that I didn’t ask for, and wasn’t prepared for.  I could be cliche and say, “What a difference a year makes”, but that would be an unfair assesment.  In reality, it’s more like “What a difference a Savior makes”.  Unable to breathe at the thought of starting over yet again, God supernaturally put my life back together the moment I handed it back over to Him.

This month, my boys and I moved into our own place and I started a new business doing something that I’m passionate about.  I have the most unbelievable network of support through loving friends and family and two beautiful children.  There are simply no words adequate enough to express how humbled I am every day that I wake up to this new life that God has blessed me with.

The best one I can conjur is ‘grateful’.

I want to spend the time I have doing things that make my heart rage. 

- The Great Buck Howard

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I’ve had to make some pretty heavy decisions in my life recently.  These decisions were not easy to make, but they were necessary to ensure the safety and protection of my kids.  As a mom, I often daydream about being able to shelter my children from pain and disappointment, but in this life, that is an impossible task.  The best that we can do is to set boundaries, and train our kids to respect them, hoping that they will grow and learn to make wise choices as adults.  My brother-in-law gave me some sage advice the other day about parenting that stuck with me during this recent ordeal.  He said, “As parents, we don’t always benefit immediately from decisions we make for our kids.  We WILL, however, see the benefits when they become adults.”

Every day, our children will face challenges and opposition.  It’s up to us to prepare them, teach them, love them, and then surrender them.  It’s tempting sometimes for me to become anxious about how my boys will respond to the difficulties that we’ve faced, but hanging on to God’s promises and the encouragement of those who have walked before me gets me through. 

There are hills and valleys, good times and tough.  But we are blessed beyond measure wth the love and care of friends and family to provide the prayers, love and (most importantly) laughter to remind us that LIFE. IS. GOOD.

My dearest Jackson,

Ten years-old….wow.  It seems like it was just yesterday that you came into this world - the breeziest labor EVER, one that spoiled me into thinking the second time around would be a piece of cake….is was NOT.  It’s such a pleasure watching you grow and mature into an intelligent, bright, caring young man.  You have the biggest heart of any kid that I know, and I just know that God has big plans for the compassion you have for others.

I know it’s been tough watching Mom go through difficult times, and the transition that often comes along with divorce hasn’t been easy.  You’ve pressed through with a good attitude, often inspiring me to do the same.  TJ is lucky to have you as a big brother.  You’re always willing to lend a helping hand, and you’re (usually) patient when he follows you around incessantly.  Stay patient with him, Jackson – he’ll be your best friend for the rest of your life.

I’m gonna get real with you here for a moment.  Middle school is HORRIBLE and kids are assholes.  Never forget that the man with integrity always comes out on top.  Don’t stoop to their level.  In the meantime, be patient.  You WILL get older, you WILL get taller, and the girls WILL notice.  When they do, however, I will be screening your phone calls and familiarizing myself with GPS.

Jackson, I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I am very proud of you.

Mom

Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  -Albert Einstein

There is a beautiful cardinal that has made the building where I work his permanent home.  He arrived one day during the construction of our facility about a year ago, and never left.  The windows on our building are reflective on the outside, making it nearly impossible to see inside unless you press your face against the glass. 

Our unlikely mascot has made it his daily routine to repeatedly fly into the window of our kitchen.  He sees his reflection – which I can only assume he thinks is another bird – and flies towards it, causing him to smack into the glass repeatedly.  I am no expert on the migratory patterns of cardinals, but it surprises me that we find this same bird in the same place EVERY DAY.  So desperate to finally make contact with what is only his own reflection, he forgets that he’s spent every day for months before, hurling his body into our window.

Though the bird’s tenacity is admirable, it makes me wonder how many times I’ve put myself in this same predicament.  When I’m more focused on myself instead of others and my circumstances instead of God’s promises, I too, am held captive in the same place. 

Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.”

God’s plan for my life is bigger and better than I can even comprehend or dream of.  The sky is the limit for me AND the bird, if we can just see past ourselves long enough to spread our wings and fly.

It’s amazing what a little perspective can do every now and then.  This past weekend, I had the privileged opportunity to volunteer at the New Orleans Dream Center HealthREACH event, a non-profit facility that administers basic health care, wellness and most importantly -  love - to the people of New Orleans.  One Saturday a month, people wait their turn in line to receive free medical, dental and veterinary care from the doctors, nurses and laymen who graciously volunteer their services. 

There is never a day that goes by that I do not thank God for the many ways that He has blessed me and my boys.  Sure, we’ve seen our share of droughts, but we’ve always had a roof over our head, clothes on our bodies and food in our bellies.  I am continually thankful for His provision and protection.  To see those struggling families stand in line in order to receive basic health care only compounds my gratitude even more.  I could be one of them, but I am not.

On Saturday morning, I came across a situation that hit incredibly close to home, and the burden on my heart for this family is not likely to leave for the rest of my life.  A woman, using the chain link fence to maintain her balance, stood at the entrance with her young daughter in tow.  When I approached her to ask if she needed to see a doctor, I immediately realized that she was under the influence – I’ve had practice recognizing the symptoms one too many times.

Her efforts at answering the questions of the nurse and police officer were largely unsuccessful, as she could barely speak without slurring.  It was painful to watch, as it is a grim reminder of the times I’d tried to do the same with my ex-husband.   There is nothing more heartbreaking than watching a loved one struggle with addiction, and clearly, this woman had a problem.  Even more unsettling was the indifference in the attitude of her little girl, who frequently grabbed at her mom to keep her from falling over.  It was obvious that this is her way of life – the roles were reversed, as she played mom to her own struggling mother.  This precious 8 year-old girl talked to me about her brother, an aspiring musician, who wrongly encouraged her to “take care of herself”.  She was well-groomed, wore shiny lip gloss, and was eager to engage in conversation.  When she complimented me on my sunglasses, I was happy to give them away – they looked better on her anyway. 

What I wanted to do was bring her home with me.  Though it appears that her basic needs are met, it is clear that she is being robbed of the childhood that she deserves.  A beautiful 8 year-old girl should be at home playing with dolls and reading fairy tales, not taking care of her inebriated mother.  The police escorted them home (she had been driving), but they could do little else for them. 

Though I felt powerless, I am not hopeless.  I was able to offer my love, my sunglasses and of course, my prayers.  As much as I wanted to see a solution to this problem, there is no quick fix.  Although I will not get to see a happy ending to a very sad tale, I know that my prayers are not in vain.  Some of us plant the seed, some water the soil, some till the ground, and some reap the harvest.  Though I will not likely reap the harvest, my seed of prayer and love for that family has been planted. 

Today, that is the best I can do.

I had to take a quick trip to drop off some of my son’s clothes at my ex-husband’s house last night.  While waiting for my son to get out of the tub so that I could say goodnight before heading home, I picked up a photo album that lay in the same spot on the coffee table as it did on the day that I left five years ago.  A bone of contention in our mostly civil relationship, I jokingly gave my ex a hard time about hogging all of the pictures.  He has a bad habit of not being able to let go of things, but that’s a story for another post. 

I casually flipped through the pages of photos that were filled with memories dating as far back as ten years.  Many of the images were a vivid reminder of some extremely tough times during my first marriage and the subsequent years that I spent as a new single mom.   Looking back, I can remember wondering if I was ever going to survive the heartbreak and the sense of failure that I felt when I filed for divorce.  More practically, as a struggling single mother, there were days when I would wonder how I’d be able to keep a roof over my head and food on our table. 

The good news at the end of the photo album is that I made it.  My heart healed and I was delivered from the sense of shame that I felt after the divorce.  My child never went hungry.  We were never forced to live on the street.  By God’s grace, we made it through and have obviously lived to see many better days. 

It’s easy to want to forget the pain, to block out the hurt, or shove the bad memories in a shoebox in the hall closet.  But sometimes, it helps to look back and remember what you’ve overcome as a way of reminding yourself that ‘this too shall pass’.

Even when the worst of marriages is on the brink of catastrophe, there is a comfort that comes with having the pleasure of a warm body next to you at night.  Just being next to someone on the sofa during a favorite TV show is one of the things that I miss about being in a relationship.  It’s amazing how even the shrill of your partner’s alarm clock every morning can serve as a reminder that you’re not alone.  Believe it or not, learning to live without the mundane aspects of a marriage is just as difficult as coping with the major changes.  As much as I thrive on spontaneity, there is a comfort in the familiarity of routine. 

So now I sit and wonder - how many of my relationships were born out of a desire to just be around someone?  Don’t get me wrong, there actually were some good things about both of my marriages, but as I adjust to being single again, I’m left to wonder if I’ve ever actually allowed myself to enjoy being alone.  It’s difficult to even ponder that, because I am a social person by nature.  I HATE being alone.  I’m well aware, however, that there is a growth that can occur only during the times that we’re silent long enough to hear God speak to us. 

Though I am doing my best to make the most out of this time alone, it’s not easy.  But finding contentment in the quiet of my solitude is part of this journey. 

I look forward to the day, however, when I am once again blessed with the sweet company of a lifelong partner.  It reminds me of that Ella Fitzgerald song “The Nearness of You”.  THAT is what I long for.

It’s not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It’s just the nearness of you

It isn’t your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It’s just the nearness of you

When you’re in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams came true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you’ll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you

Writing has long been a passion of mine.  It’s always been easier for me to communicate using the written word, as opposed to speaking with someone face to face.  Just ask my high school boyfriend.  I’m quite certain he’s hanging onto several of my letters, anxiously awaiting the day when he can use them for extortion. 

I am ending my second marriage, and I’ve discovered that there is a grieving process that everyone goes through during a divorce, not all that unique to an actual death.  It is, after all, a death of sorts.  Not the death of a life, but the death of a love, and though it’s important to mourn, it’s equally as important to begin to live – and eventually love – again. 

I’ve started this blog not only to chronicle my spiritual and emotional growth as a single woman and mother, but to have an outlet to vent, scream, cry and rejoice in the newness of this season in my life.